There are times when I wonder when will people stop betraying each other.... Its like someone suffers a betrayal every few hours and no one does anything about it.
This is far from recent but it has been on my mind recently. I'm a twenty-something... I plan on having children one day. I would really like to have a daughter that I could pass things down to. When I met him I had been keeping a diary of thoughts, feelings and experiences from different times in my life. What better way to get through to a child than to hand them the proof that you aren't god. I started a new one when i went to college... He actually bought it for me. I recorded everything in it, the fights, triumphs, when He proposed.... It was my life. I wanted to be able to tell my kids that sometimes the good just happens.
Then we got into a fight. not a major one... but a fight none the less.... I wouldn't tell him whats wrong.... He saw me writing in my diary. Anyone and everyone knows that people that keep journals of any kind are people that either don't like confrontation or feel that they need to sort things out first. And any younger brother knows that you do NOT read a girls diary, on threat of painful death. So what does my now husband do when I leave for work the following morning.... HE READS MY DIARY.... swears it was just the last page to find out what I was mad about...

Can I trust him?
Will he do it again?
Did I join an emotional dictatorship?
Do I get to have secrets?
Can I snoop through his stuff without reprisals?
Is anything sacred to him?

He played the caring card... that he just wanted to know what was wrong so that he could fix it.


I wonder if he put the pieces together that I stopped demanding sex twice a day right after that. I'm not sure that I am in the right place to be continually physically active with a person that I cannot trust to stay out of my things.... private cherished personal things.

I have stopped using the diary since its sanctity has been desecrated. I'm just a little disappointed that he didn't have more respect for me than that.

Cryin Shame

All Hallows was a blast. Jules threw an amazing party. Not that there was any doubt in the first place. I was Hermione, with a little extra, and HE went as John McClane. Drinks were flowing... Jules decorated the whole house to look like Wonderland.

This past Friday was a horrible day. At like 1:50 in the afternoon a car carrying three seniors from GRHS crashed into a white van on a wet winding road. Even though the three were all wearing their seat belts none survived. The driver of the car they hit was Nightingale'd to the PAH ER. All your could hear this weekend on the news was how the little Volkswagon was in like three or four peices before the wrecker crew got there. I was getting phone calls from half of the teens at church just so that they could talk to someone about it. The kids weren't drunk. They were barely above the speed limit. They drifted a little over the line. This has been posted around the web for years but I want all of my friends to read it.

Its been a hard time for the kids of the VB area. Too many lives have been taken too soon.

Guh i sound like a public service announcement.

Leap of Faith

Its been one of those months. I got into a job that was just to pay the bills. My heart was so far from it that I had to force myself to get up in the morning. So I did it. I took a giant leap of faith and left a job where i was guaranteed 40 hours a week at 10 dollars an hour... For a position as a sub or guest teacher with the local schools, making 91 dollars a day but not promised anything on the number of days a week.

Da's birthday was last night... so we went to PF Changs at Town Center. Some pretty decent food. Although it was threatening to rain the entire time we drove out there.... and it did pour all night. Got Da a retractable air hose for the garage... with the directive that he get to work on the cobra.

I have accepted a challenge from FFN. Feeling pretty good about chapter one... When it gets back from Lace and I get it posted I will most def put the link up here.

Weird September

So, its like the last week of September... and man has it been an odd month. School started in August without me teaching. Got my hopes up twice with emergency fill positions... one three days before school started and one a week into school. The first one i was in great running for until the admin staff remembered that it was first year female teachers that normally do stupid things... like the one last spring that was sent to jail for running a brothel.

I've signed up to be a substitute in the local school. Isn't that just gonna be fun. It is a way for me to get some experience.... I am hoping to get at least one call a day so that I can get in the classroom at least four days a week.... They are paying 12.75 an hour or 91 dollars a day. Once my license is transferred into one that is for this state I am good to go... its worth a pay raise for subbing.... and it will help with getting a real placement.

For our 1 year anniversary HE bought me a puppy. I now have an adorable black and gray lhasa-poo named Ashes. He was a total of 6 pounds when we bought him. Last week or the week before we took him to the beach (the locals only sections where they don't mind dogs). Thinking that he was going to hate the water I brought a tie out so that if it was warm enough and HE and I took Tobbers (our five year old white lab) out to the sand bar Ashes wouldn't get into trouble. I was wrong... Ashes took to the water like a lab. He was swimming around and chasing the ball, he did try to catch a jelly fish once or twice.

Its been a month of job changes as well... I could not handle what was basically child abuse any longer. I left the Day care center.... sending a few anon messages to the license inspector (a friend of my moms). I started working at a collections agency doing litigation prep (read legal clerk for three lawyers). I don't plan on being there long. It is mostly grunt work. I don't really mind though... I slip one of my ear phones in and jam while I process incoming court notices and outgoing checks. HE doesn't like me working there... cause HE knows that i don't like talking to people over the phone that are more than likely going to be belligerent. It is different with the parents of my students... I'm not taking money from them... I'm trying to help their kid pass a subject in school.

I haven't had the time to write at all. Either my brain is racing trying to put things together or I've got so much other stuff going on that there is no time to sit in front of the computer and just type away for hours. Although I did start some major story flow edits on Major Trouble... Lace and I are trying to figure out if it is worth reposting or not.

The Cosmic Crapper

This last month and a half has been a giant 'what is going on moment' . After the little sis' accident, i had a interview at LMS, for two positions, i got a letter in the mail about one of them but not the other, so i email the assistant principal and voila.... NOTHING...!!! I find it slightly rude that they won't even return an email after fibbing that the position was open to begin with.
Anyways, I'm going stir crazy. My job at the daycare center is about two inches from making my head explode. I've got little 'darlings' that bite... each other, themselves, and me; they hit hard and often. The director is pretty much a penny pincher. And get this... one year olds are allowed 1/2 a slice of toast, 2 chicken nuggets, or one french toast stick to eat... no seconds allowed... I'm sorry every one year old in that room is so hungry after lunch is over that they scavenge for food that has fallen on the floor. There are four adults in the room with 16- 17 kids(by the way the DSS ratio for this age is 4 kids to 1 adult). We have parents that ' forget' to bring diapers or wipes... parents that don't think diaper rash is bad... even when blisters start to form. We have a parent that insists that her daughter is not moved down to the infants room when we are over ratio... and our director makes us move her... so i get the glares when she comes to pick the little girl up... and today she paid her final check and is taking the girl out... Now who do you think is going to get in trouble for this. The teachers in my room.
I've been trying to write but my brain keeps being interrupted by other thoughts and ideas. Sometimes i just want to sleep rather than do anything.

The Upside down life

So its been a while. Last week they took my Great Aunt off of the respirator at her own request. She was given 72 hours. I do not think that she has passed on yet. I told my Grammy (Mom's Mom and my Great Aunt's Sister) to go spend time with Aunt G. She was in the way of thinking that I would be mad at her for missing my graduation to go be with her sister. It took me over an hour to set her straight.
I graduated on Saturday afternoon. There were maybe 400 of us there. That night we drove home and got ready for the race on Sunday. The Hubby 'broke' his car at the race and we had to have it trailered home for us. Although, when we took it to the shop yesterday it was fine. The ford dealership said that the fan was broken beyond repair and a new one would have to be found.. then our friend the mechanic said the car was running fine.We had already purchased the part from the dealership... which is now sitting in the trunk.
Tuesday, I had a 10 am interview at Childtime Daycare. That lasted 2 hours... Then I had a secondary interview at 330 that lasted another hour. In which they put me in what is going to be my classroom and watched me interact with the kids. Today the Director called and told me that I had the job... as long as the background checks clear. Which is funny since I have had like five of them in the last six months. I am going to set of some kind of detector at the FBI with the number of Federal Checks I have had done in the last six months. All of my licenses, permits, federal contracts and now childcare.
Last night I finally had some time to get around to watching some of the shows that I DVR'd in last weeks rush to prep for graduation. Warrick dies in CSI !!! what in the world. Lynnette got arrested on Desperate... the 'bad seed' child got sent away for trying to get rid of Lynnette.
I have my first real Teaching interview on Thursday and I am terrified. I'm going through and sanitizing everything that I have written on the web. Anything that can be linked back to me. A lot of principals are checking myspace and facebook during or after interviews. I have to prep and copy my portfolio and then digitize as much of it as I can. I don't want to seem like a techno dork. Momma J says that these interviews will be 'horrible and grueling.' I don't know how much more stress I can take right now. Hubby has me up in arms about the M-issue. He just keeps spending. I don't think he realizes that we are going to have to put down 10 % when we move out of this condo. I really want to open an account at nfcu and not let him touch it. that way it is earning some interest and we can use it when we need it most... not when he wants something not useful.

Just Me

I guess that the first post should always be about the blogger. I've never been one too keen on traditions but some are just too ingrained into the fabric of our lives.

I am one to break out in extensional thoughts and ramble on and on about what ever strikes my fancy or gets me riled up. I leave it up to people to read my rambles on their own without pushing it on anyone or asking someone to read it.

So recently my life has been a roller coaster ride into the depths of some pit. First off my doc tells me that there is something wrong. Tara, a friend of mine, gets the same news within a few days of me. She has already had surgery and a specialist told me that the other doc was stupid. A dear friend - like one of the best-, Lacey, crashes her car on the way to Provo, Idaho for school. She is shook up but miraculously alive and kicking. A coworker of my husband found a yorkie pup like 50 days ago. I took her in last Friday night. Saturday I took her to the vet. She has a broken jaw and needs like 3 teeth pulled. We can't afford that, so I called the husband who asked another of his coworkers if she still wanted her. So late Saturday night little pipsqueak left for a new home where she could be pampered. My heart kinda broke cause she was so cute.

Maybe one day I will be able to have a job. I am trying to become a teacher in my hometown. I hope that before this summer is out I will have a real teaching placement in the field of social studies.